The forecasters have brought ill tidings from the markets of late, raising concerns that the global market is headed into a recession. Here’s how it might affect us in South Africa.

• Cape Town’s restaurant prices plummet to an all time low, enabling locals to afford eating out again.
• Naartjie throwing is scrapped at Loftus when crowd question the sense of discarding what might be their family’s supper.
• Trevor Manuel is spotted at the ticket machine at a Rosebank carpark giving an uplifting speech to a crowd gathered to watch him juggle.
• Mandoza arrives at the SA Music awards driving a third-hand Beetle, with all seven members of Freshlyground squeezed in the back.
• Johan Rupert sells one of his several houses in order to maintain his all-caviar diet.
• 3Talk with Noleen is scrapped due to budget cuts at SABC, leaving nation wondering whether the recession is a bad thing after all.

This list may or may not be fictional.

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