Top 5 worst love songs
Mathew freemantle

We think they are romantic, heartfelt ballads that do justice the power of love, but look a little closer and you'll find that what you're actually singing along to is often very stupid or very creepy. Or both. We've selected the worst of the worst, because as Jon Bon Jovi almost said, these songs give love a bad name.


Every Breath You Take - The Police

Is it just me or are the lyrics to this song more creepy than charming. Consider the line, "Every step you take, I'll be watching you." Every step? That's restraining order stuff.

It's also just lame. Sting was clearly running out of words to rhyme with "take" when he added the line, "every claim you stake". If they had added another verse they would have been in serious trouble. Who knows? The lines "Every Dane you rake", or "Every grain you bake" might have gone down in lyrical history. I said might.

 


If You Wanna Be Happy - Jimmy Soul

This 1963 favourite, made popular in South Africa by Dr. Victor and the Rasta Rebels, is meant to be about the key to a happy marriage.

The singer's claim that "if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife" might be bitter and flawed, but it's not as bad as his contention that "An ug-a-ly woman cooks meals on time." Clearly, somebody pretty hurt Jimmy's feelings when he was a young man and he needs a hug. Badly.

 


My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

Why does this woman have a career? Why? Narrowly edging the embarrassing 'I Drove All Night', a song in which she "creeps" into her lover's bed, is this turkey from the film Titanic.

I want her to sing this in a cathedral. Not because it would be "stunning", but because her voice would shatter the glass and bury her in a pile of shrapnel.

 


I Wanna Have Your Babies - Natasha Bedingfield

How discreet of you, Nat. For a song that is all about how the singer is scared of telling her man that she's ready for children, its title is not exactly cryptic.

And surely singing "There's one, there's another, there's one, ooh...Babies, babies, babies, babies" is more likely to send the dad-to-be heading for the hills than anything else, even if it is done in a sweet voice. She also sings, "If you knew what was going on in my brain, trust me it'd scare you." Believe us, we trust you.

 


Underneath Your Clothes - Shakira

She had hinted at insanity by suggesting that it was lucky her breasts were "small and humble" so we didn't "confuse them with mountains" in her breakthrough hit, but when this song came out we knew Shakira had completely lost the plot.

It's a shame, too, because it starts well. She warbles about her lover's body being her territory, but the song takes a turn for the ludicrous when she gets to the bit that goes: "Lamps are hanging from the ceiling, like a lady tied to her manners." Huh?


 
 
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