Green is your new favourite colour, whether you like it or not. It has to be. Green is swinging elections, winning Nobel Peace Prizes. Green is the new black, it’s the new kid on the block, it’s the new everything. Even MacDonald’s is going green. It’s your favourite colour. Get used to it.
I just want to say right up front that I don’t want the planet to explode. I don’t want the ozone layer to disappear and my face to melt off. I don’t want the ocean to flood the earth. I believe in dykes. I am scared of tsunamis. I think Global Warming is real and I think we should all stop using hairdryers. I believe all of the stuff that boring guy said in that film. All of it.
But I’d also like to be relieved of the insinuation that I am personally clubbing a baby seal to death by forgetting to switch off my bedside lamp. Is that asking too much? Green is good, we love green. I pledge allegiance to the United States of Green. But environmental hysteria can also lead to a sort of earthy hypochondria, which has a cost. Things that we thought were cool, for example, that are now quite the opposite.The language might be panic-stricken, but it doesn’t mean the message isn’t valid. The ‘Green Issue’ might be history’s biggest ever guilt trip, but it’s also our most deserved. But nobody ever does anything effectively because they have to; we need to want to. So here’s a plea to environmentalists: Easy does it. Even the most ignorant Hummer-driving Global Warming denier doesn’t want his face to melt off. He just won’t listen if you’re telling him he’s making penguins homeless.