For as long as there has been fashion there have been fashion disasters. Most boo-boos can be put down to experimenting with the new, but some trends are so appalling that no amount of time and perspective will ever, ever justify them. We chose a few clangers.
Let us begin with The Daddy. Never in the history of hair has something so dreadful been accepted into our culture. Probably invented when a drunk redneck forgot to ask for a short back and sides and requested, instead, a “long back and weird sides”, the mullet has been terrorising us ever since.
With ambassadors such as Mike Haysman, it was destined to fail, but after a decade or so spent safely hidden under the greasy hats of redneck mechanics, it crept back into the limelight. Ironically, the resurgence occurred around the time Haysman finally cut his off, proving that he wasn’t doing it to be cool.
We all have friends who wear these. Perhaps you wear one yourself. But if so you must take it off right now, say you’re sorry and never put it on again. Ok? Along with its brother, the Mullet, the trucker hat is a sure-fire way to suggest that at some point in your life you participated in a lynching.
You might as well go the distance and wear a sheet over your head. Even if that connotation seems a stretch, consider this: You are wearing part of a truck driver’s uniform. As a reference to your aspirations as a person it’s about as bad a message as you can put out. A fireman’s helmet would be a better option, but would you wear a fireman’s helmet to a nightclub?
I had one. My friends all had one. If you were a teenager at any point during the 90s, you probably had one too. It was ok for girls, but curtains on a guy just looked ridiculous. The problem was that the middle parting only looked good if you had long hair, and when the middle parting took off it was school kids, unable to grow their hair, who led the trend.
The result was that, for a period of about five years, all schoolboys sported what can only be described as the thatched-roof and gutter look – a ludicrous ski-ramp on either side of a deep and unsightly furrow. I would like to apologise on behalf of all men for thinking we were on to something.
The Low Jeans Look
Improbably, triumphantly, this trend has been around for generations. The question is: How did they come up with it? If the brief to whichever designer is responsible had been to invent a new and seriously impractical way to wear jeans that makes walking difficult and exposes the entire rear end, he or she would have done a brilliant job. This is worse than rolling up the bottoms of your jeans. It’s worse than stonewashing them. It’s even worse than stonewashing them and then rolling up the bottoms.
The 80s Revival
Something horrible is happening in modern fashion and I blame Kylie Minogue. The 80s has been creeping back onto the high street, wreaking neon horror all over again. I though we’d all agreed that the 80s was one long fashion disaster that would never be repeated. I thought we’d moved past shell suits and neon socks and leg warmers and big jerseys and hoop earrings. Sadly not.
Inexplicably, the decade universally acknowledged as being the worst looking era in recent history has been given a second life. Damn you for supporting it. You and your white trouser should be locked in a room with pink neon walls and forced to listen to Duran Duran until you’ve learnt your lesson.